Full Metal Lunchbox

Thanks to Rinkworks you can now read my blog translated into Redneck, Jive, Elmer Fudd, Swedish Chef, Moron, Pig Latin, or Hacker. (I learned about this resource from Loosetooth.com.)

Working out in Elgin didn't work out. Which is just as well. Because Elgin (censored).

I'm still looking forward to starting my new job Monday February 7.

After the week I've just had, I'm really looking forward to not being a contractor anymore.

Bank One, Elgin Illinois

Today was day 1 of my temporary sojurn in beautiful Elgin, Illinois (motto: "It's not the end of the world, but... oh, who are we kidding it is the end of the world.").

The bank has moved up the start date of my new, permanent job downtown from February 14 to February 7, but that wasn't enough to keep me from having to spend a week and a day playing for the farm team.

Here I am at the workspace I've carved out for myself in the training room currently serving as impromptu lab space. Space is at a premium here, which I find amusing given that the far suburbs give way to empty farmland just beyond the edge of the building. If I look unhappy in this photo, it's because I unexpectedly had to deal with a bit of beaureaucracy left over from my previous project. (Hey, there's a good corporate motto: "...just a bit of bureaucracy."

Cheering me up was a call I got from my future boss welcoming me aboard and arranging the details of my first day a week from Monday. That call came just when I needed it, when I was really feeling the contractor blues.

I had a random thought on the train this morning: What if there was nuclear apocolypse or some other large-scale disaster and the only people left alive were myself and others like me who don't understand the difference between bi-annual and semi-annual?

It's just a thought.

I had a thought the other week, when I was still waiting to hear about my status with the bank: if I'm surrounded by thousands of people who have real jobs, why can't I seem to get one?

I guess it had to happen sooner or later. If I continued consulting in this economy, I might have eventually ended upliving on canned goods.

Fortunately I now have an official start date: February 14.

I'll be working days at first, and then evenings. Eventually I'll slide into my permanent shift of midnight to 8:00AM.

I don't yet know how this is going to work. Here are some questions I have:

** What will it be like for me to eat dinner with my dearest Justyna when it feels like breakfast to me?

** Are there any 24 hour restaurants in downtown Chicago? Will I starve to death if I forget to bring my lunch?

** How will I take a coffee break when all the Starbucks are closed? And what will I do with all the money I save from not going to Starbucks anymore?

** How will I share my joy from the new job when I'm not allowed to bring a camera anywhere near my work area?

** When will I see my friends again?

Here are some questions that some of you have already asked me:

Q: Are tanning minutes included with the job?
A: No, but I plan on absorbing lots of CRT monitor radiation for that healthy glow.

Q: How will you deal with working nights in Elgin?
A: I wont be working in Elgin. That's just what I'll be doing until my consulting assignment finishes up and my permanent job begins.

Q: C'mon, you're not really working nights, are you?
A: Yep, it's true.

Q: What are you nuts?
A: Nope, just in debt and sick of consulting.

Q: Does this mean you'll be able to stay awake for weekend parties?
A: I hope so, because any night I'm not working will be a party.

Let me know if you have any more questions.

I took the JP Morgan new hire online orientation today. It was a total trip! I'm embarassed to say that I got many of the multiple-choice questions about diversity and ethics incorrect. Hopefully the bank wont object to my being unfair and unethical. They seem to be more interested in checking my credit (gulp) getting my fingerprints, and having me pee in a cup.

OK, so here's the deal. I will be working nights once I start my new job. But I'm starting to think that most of you will actually see less of me before then.

That's because my current bosses at Bank One don't quite know what to do with me, and are therefore trading me out to the farm team in Elgin, Illinois. This will be a roundtrip commute so arduous that I'm actively trying not to think about it. I'll be near farms.

Anyone want me to pick up something from the old farmstand? How about some sweetcorn?

I'm pleased to announce that I got a job offer from JP Morgan. This is significant, because I have not had a full-time job in nearly 8 years. I hope to start in my new position by mid-February. More details to come as soon as I complete the labyrinthian hiring process.

There's been talk lately of me working out in Elgin.

What do you think of that?

Starbucks is the tool that makes Bank One work. It's not the technology, talented professionals, or even all the savy marketing. It's nothing but Starbucks.

No wonder their building one inside the lobby at 1 Bank One Plaza, even though there is already a Starbucks across the street.